Avoiding Overuse of the Word "No" With Kids

“Meet Franky No”
By Brad Kayden, MHR
Youth Sports Instructor & Child Wellness Advocate

Franky is a typical toddler who gets into trouble doing the silly things children do. When Franky does something wrong, his family says, “Franky, no!” Eventually, Franky heard it enough that one day, not surprisingly, when someone asked him, “What is your name?” Franky responded, “My name is Franky, Franky No.” At the embarrassment of his mother, everyone listening found Franky’s response amusing. This example begs the question, how likely is it your child’s last name could be No?

Whether Franky, Sam, Mary, or Pam estimates are, by age five, children will have heard the word “No” 40,000 times. As a parent, communicating the difference between right and wrong to children is seldom easy and rarely happens at convenient times. What is easy is cutting corners and simply telling children “No.” The problem is when they hear it so much, children become immune to the effects of the word “No.” When it does have an effect, children can be confused by its meaning. For example, you know the difference between the disagreeing “no” of buying them candy and the panicked reaction of yelling “No” to the hazards of a hot stove. Does your child?

One way to avoid being unheard or sending confusing messages when your child is faced with a potentially dangerous situation is to change what you say. One suggestion is to replace “No” with the word “Stop” at these times. This change in directive, unlike the word “No,” will avoid confusion in a child’s mind about how serious your expectations are. A child’s compliance, obviously, is the first step to success. However, when you follow any action explaining why you did what you did, you can reinforce a child’s good behavior. This is a healthy alternative to out-of-control parents who consistently relies on yelling, “No, No, No” at their child.

If you are adventurous and seek a new way to avoid overusing the word “No,” consider a game I teach my youth sports classes. Children love Red Light, Green Light. This easy-to-learn game is adaptable to virtually any situation. I use it to improve children’s listening skills and focus; you can use it to help children learn the value of the “Stop” directive. Based on the traffic light concept, children, perform any function like pushing a shopping cart, walking a dog, or brushing their teeth. They stop when you say, “Red Light” and start when you say, “Green Light.” When repeated, children find fun in doing whatever it is they are learning. Using this type of repetitive fun in learning, I have found children to do things better and more consistently motivated by the fun. Remember their motivations; you have to play just for fun sometimes, not just when a “Red Light” is necessary.

A few more tips to avoid the “No” trap. Focus on the little things your child does well and accompany them with praise and affection. As a parent, be a good listener, and have a good attitude. If you use these suggestions, games and tips, you will help build your child’s self-esteem and hopefully prevent their last name from ever becoming No. See you in class!

Kid Quiz for Parents

Name Six Parts of the Body You Can Use as a Musical Instrument.

Parent Experiencing Bedtime Issues with Son

So what do you suggest when a parent asks your advice? As an example - my son won't stay in his bed after cuddles,books,potty and more cuddles?

Kathleen,

Cracking the code to bedtime is a process. I think I understand your basic definition of winning in this situation. Your son goes to bed willingly and without any problems. What we need to know is what your son's definition of winning is when going to bed. Cracking the code to unlocking your son's focus in this area starts with you. Right now, he is not sitting around thinking about how he is going to avoid going to bed tonight. He does not have an issue at this point, only you do. The process he goes through every night before bed has become his normal routine. Let’s start to change this.

Lets think about your son. He wants to stay up. What's wrong with letting him? I know it is a stretch but stay with me. This isn't as bad of an idea as it seems on the surface. Let's be honest, there is a big part of him going to bed that involves preserving your personal time, something I am sure that is very important to you. If you can draw upon the courage to follow what I am going to say, I will hopefully show you how to get more quality Mommy time in the very near future.

Working with children, I know a little about their motivations. Fun is one of their primary motivations. Being curious, exploring, and even getting into trouble is fun for them. We, as adults, get bogged down by our routines fail to engage our curiosity, and adventurous ways a lot of the time. Herein, is where the gap between adults and children lies. You can start reducing the distance that separates your thinking from your sons at bedtime by empowering him to become a more active part of the bedtime process.

Start bedtime a little bit earlier tonight, 30 minutes earlier.
Before you do, prepare the house for bed by turning off the television. You may already do this and if you do good job. Televisions over stimulate our minds. They are an especially big distractions when children are trying to be wound down for bed.Tonight you will begin the process as you use to end it, by sitting one-on-one with your son. The idea is, if he can begin to look forward to you focusing on him earlier in the night than, this will prepare his mind for the new processes you will introducing.

Getting Started

1. Deliver an Agenda- In your one-on-one tell him the agenda for the evening. Tell him about your surprise. He can stay up late. Go through everything he needs to do to prepare to go to bed.

2. Delegate- Let your son run the process. Do not follow him around, this only enables him. Learn to watch from afar and guide him where necessary with verbal cues. The point being, if you do all the work than, why should he be tired at then end of the night? Let him engage in the process. Let him pick out the pajamas and put them on. Let him tell you what type of snack before bed. Let him choose the book you read. Let him choose two toys he can take to bed and play with quietly after you turn the light out. Get him a step stool, if you don't already have one, and let him prepare the toothbrush and toothpaste to brush his teeth. You may need to instruct him how to gently squeeze the tube the first time.

3. Decreased Affection- The process is a time when you start to withdraw your "cuddles." Why would he want to go to bed if Mom makes him feel so special at the end of the night?" A kiss on the forehead is all I remember getting as a kid. Maybe I had difficulty at bedtime? You are still cuddling him just in a new way. You are "cuddling" his mind with verbal coaching. I know it is not as sentimental, but physical affection alone isn't working. Throughout the process, talk to him and help keep him on target. He will feel your love in a new way and hopefully learn to respect and desire it.

4. Deliver Praise- Get excited about his opportunity to stay up. Before you read him a story tell him a story tell him how proud you are of everything he did on his own. He is really becoming a big boy. Big boys know how to go to bed on their own.

5. Defer- This is one I already talked about, but it needs to be restated. It is best he is free from distractions and it may be best to keep the television off as you get started in this new process. Once you've established the routine (3-7 days) you can gradually reintegrate the television after he goes to bed.

6. Remain Diligent- The thing to keep in mind, this is a new process and new things, as talked about earlier, are exciting for kids. Your son will have extra energy in the beginning and he will try and test you by wanting another drink; or having to go potty; or telling you he is hungry; or wanting to turn the light on; or wanting to play with different toys than the one's selected. How you respond is key here. Be Calming and non-reactive. Be nice, but show him no extra special attention. Remember, it is bedtime. He mirrors your responses. You get excited he perceives it as extra attention that merits the behavior again the next night. Tell him nicely it is the the last drink tonight, softly tell him to go potty, you will open the door or turn on the closet light on but no bedroom light. He will get a last drink but no more snacks. He may quickly change toys and crawl back into bed. This is a crucial stage and one, if done right will merit you the quality time you desire in the evenings.

I know your biggest fear has to be, he will stay up all night long. In my experience, the exact opposite is the case. Children are already tired after a long day just as you or I would be. This process is designed to further tire them out. The fact of the matter is whether it is your son or any child, if you follow the plan he should fall asleep within 30 minutes of their head hitting the pillow. And if you will remember, I added in 30 minutes to the bedtime process in the beginning. All-in-all, you should lose minimal Mommy time in executing the process.

Good luck. Tell me how it goes.

Coach Brad

Here are more sources that can give you more insight on this matter and empower you to coach your child by cracking the code to unlock their focus.

1. Helping Your Toddler to Learn to Fall Asleep http://yourparentingsolutions.com/toddler-learn-to-sleep-trainin/

Through the Coach's Eyes

Waddling in with radiant smiles, they enter through the double doors. Anxiously shrugging off their jackets, they run onto the gymnasium floor like the boomers and sooners of the land rush staking claim over a soccer ball. Inevitably, two will converge at the same soccer ball and it is usually the more vocal who wins the claim. Little do parents realize how much size and color matter. Few, if any, of these future stars know that soccer is an Olympic sport or that there is a Major League of Soccer. For them, warm-up is not about visions; it is about fun.


With giant-size hearts, they command the ball across the turf donning shin guards, long socks and cleats. It is them versus the ball. The thought of avoiding a collision with another never crosses their mind. They, unlike pre-teens experienced with a sense of awareness and avoidance moves, are lil’ kickers just earning their bumpers. Collisions, as heartbreaking as they are precious to observe, are a bit of a phenomenon to watch. After impact, there is calm like the noticeable lag when using Internet dial-up if you are use to DSL that overcomes the crash area. As their little minds process the damage, I walk up, pick them off the turf and brush them off as tears well up. The more they fight them, the harder they are to hold back. Only one medicine cures the scare and pain they are feeling, it is the warmth and security of Momma’s open arms. Fortunately, these low impact occurrences ever amount to more then a bruise or a scrape. As is often the case, they rejoin the group and resume where they left off.


As we stretch, I notice a boy holding his fist up to another next to him. Slowly, he extends his middle finger and smiles. I am shocked speechless and find myself curiously awaiting the other boy’s reaction. He smiles. Fearing what parents would think of my inaction, I recollect myself. As I lean in, I suddenly find myself smiling with them. What I had not recognized originally was the Sponge Bob band-aid on the finger of the first boy. He was displaying it the way only a five year old could. “Is that a Sponge Bob band-aid?” I asked cheerfully. Appreciative I had notice, he nodded yes. We quickly moved on to more exciting things to occupy his mind.


When you begin seeing things through the minds eye of a child, it is amazing how much you learn and appreciate them for their innocent ways. Sociologists say you become part of the environment you are around. At every practice, I am given license to become age five again, and it is a refreshing stress reliever. I would hate to think of a life absent of fun, but I know in our complicated world, it happens. If your life lacks fun and excitement, look no further than kids. They hold classes in fun every day of the week. Let go of adult life complexities and experience the unrestricted fun of a kid’s world. If you have reservations, no problem, the teacher arrives when the student is ready.

See you in class!



Copyright © 2007 by Bradley J. Kayden. All Rights Reserved.

Respectable Silliness

I have been accussed of being too silly at times and quite frankly it was one of the biggest compliments I have ever received from a parent. I am the manager of children. Silliness is the way I motivate my classes. Parents, when you work with children it is important to remember the OPT Rule. Forget what Other People Think. Chidren do not have filters the way we do as adults. If you really want to know how good it feels to connect with your child find new opportunities, wherever you are, to be a child with them. Children are uninhibited, imaginative and focus on the fun in most every situation. In order to bring yourself to that level you will need to forget what Other People Think.


As an instructor, I will tell you that reservations, at first, are normal. But, if you work on unharnessing the child within you, the next time there is a fountain near, you won't care how wet your shoes get jumping in even before your children think about it. A smile on a child's face is a sign of respect and a representation of their love for you. Create more smiles and you will gain more respect and before long you will find your children meeting and exceeding the expectations you have for them.

The Three Most Important Minutes

“How is everyone today?” This is a question I routinely ask before the beginning of every class. Probing a little deeper, I inquire, “Did anyone go to school today?” A show of hands and a few verbal acknowledgements further breaks the ice. Without agenda, I listen as one boy inspired by my question explains how his father drops him off at school each morning. “Where does he go after that?” I asked. The boy, as if I should have known better, put chin to chest before glancing upward at me saying “He goes to work,” stressing the word “work” with a dropped bottom lip. Another boy tells me how he and his Mom will be picking up his father, who will be bringing home presents, that evening. “Where are you picking him up at?” I ask. “The airport,” he responded excitedly. By this time, most of the class is fully engaged, if not in the immediate discussion, at least talking amongst themselves.


In an effort to bring them together, I commit to the childlike ways of innocently raising my hand. I say in an inquisitive voice, “I have a question?” Children, as I have learned, are always eager to help. I use this knowledge to inspire their critical thinking skills required for sports, asking the question, “What is the difference between work and school?” The vertical wrinkles between their little brows compress to form a cringe as the cogs of their little minds turn. The silence, inevitably, causes them to squirm a bit. The only interruption at this point is my restating of the question for those whom may have not heard it completely or forgotten it. This day my class taught me that work is the place where adults go and the buildings touch the clouds. School buildings, on the other hand, are short.


When you think of a youth sports instructional class, few would consider conversations like this to be necessary or appropriate. It is not until you consider how difficult it can be to focus one child let alone five, ten, fifteen or more children at a time. While many would argue the time spent on sports instruction is the most important, as a coach I feel differently. The three most important minutes of every class I teach are the first three minutes. This is six percent of my 45 minutes allotted time of instruction. I spend it asking questions, listening and directly communicating with the individuals in the class. Is it too much time? I don’t think so. Consider the value of established trust and the confidence one child gets being able to speak freely, being listened too, and being afforded the opportunity to add value to the group. Then, multiply this child’s experience by five, ten or fifteen and what you get is a class full of motivated and uninhibited learners. When you create a system or life that allows the imperfections of children to exist without scrutiny, you open the doors for endless learning opportunities.


Take interruptions for example. An imperfection of childhood, they can be highly frustrating. As you can imagine, they are a natural order in my classes. Many would say interruptions create a chaotic learning environment. On the contrary, interruptions are untamed expressions kids use to tell me what is on their mind. A perfect time to speak does not exist for a child. When you listen and respond efficiently, children appreciate your attention by rewarding you with theirs. Efficiency in your response, minus frustration, creates time for these small sidebars to coexist in your daily life. As a testament to this idea of learning to better manage children’s imperfections, I will say even amidst the perceived chaos and untimely interruptions, I manage to rarely let my classes exceed 45 minutes by more than a minute or two. Of course as parents, you, as I do, must prepare everyday for this way of thinking. It is here I will say, the three most important minutes of every class is as much for me as it is for the class. See you in class!


Copyright © 2007 by Bradley J. Kayden. All Rights Reserved.

Avoid the Parenting Trap of Mulligan Thinking

As a Youth Sports Instructor, I realize I don’t manage children in the same ways you do as a parent. You deal with the everyday challenges of getting ready in the morning, working, eating out, shopping, traveling, all amidst raising children. Not surprisingly, I have to believe, there are times, when you are on the phone, or when your hands are full or when you are rushing out the door when your child will ask you in an astute voice, “Mommy, where do I start tying my shoes?” The absurdity of the moment can take you completely by surprise. As you search for the answers, the thoughts in your mind can converge and begin screaming at you, “I just don’t have time for this right now.” How often does it occur that the deafening volume of your mind’s voices become your actual responses? Your screaming quickly replaces an opportune parenting moment to coach a child on tying a shoe, buckling a safety belt, zipping up a jacket, choosing pajamas, or learning the answers to simple questions.

When parenting leads to difficulty managing the moment, it can sometimes make ordinary thinking feel like you are opening, without scissors mind you, one of those impenetrable plastic packaging containers perfume sometimes comes in. You can see what you want to say but you can’t get it out. Lost in translation, you can find yourself frustrated and forced to defer an otherwise valuable parenting opportunity. You opt to take a mulligan on your actions.

What is a mulligan you ask? For those who have never played golf, a mulligan is a do-over or second chance. For example, taking a mulligan in parenting can be as simple as tying a shoe, buckling a safety belt, zipping up a coat, or choosing pajamas for your children. Instead of spending the time necessary to coach children through the process, you do it for them. Yes, children eventually learn these processes, but until they do it is you who is enabling them and it is your time lost. These seemingly insignificant moments add up to become reasons why parents complain of not having enough time.

Taking a mulligan in parenting isn't exactly the same as taking one in golf. In golf, a poorly hit shot leaves a golfer saying, "I will take a mulligan to make up for my previous shot." Immediately, they commit to hitting a better shot with the second try. In parenting for example, inconvenient timing leaves a parent saying, "I cannnot do it now, but I will commit at a later time (mulligan thinking) to coaching my child through zipping up their jacket." The difference is a golfer's now or immediate commitment to change versus parent's later or deferred commitment to change. Understandably, busy lifestyles make mulligan thinking a necessary reality of today’s parenting. There is nothing wrong with it as long as you use mulligan thinking in moderation. Unfortunately, many parents don’t realize how much they rely on it. Trouble occurs when parents overuse mulligan thinking and second chances quickly turn into a failure to follow up.

Undoubtedly, there are many reasons for why a failure to follow up occurred: Work schedules, chores, beauty sleep, a favorite television show, they all can be made to sound like justifiable reasons. They also can be categorized as excuses that continuously contribute to parent's failure to follow up on life lessons that would aid in their child's development. Herein, is where parents get caught in the parenting trap I call Mulligan Thinking. Consequently, parents begin feeling reoccurring patterns of frustration caused by children’s failure to live up to their expectations. This is followed by guilt that emerges as a result of recalling the foregone parenting opportunities that could have made a difference. How do you break free from mulligan thinking, learn to follow up and drop feelings of frustration and guilt? How we think must be broken down in order to understand the solutions.

When you are confronted with a problem, undoubtedly, from time to time you will have feelings of uncertainty and hesitancy. These are reasonable and natural feelings for any parent, or non-parent for that matter, to have. Leadership expert Joseph Badarraco states, “This sense of uncertainty is not a sign of cowardice or muddle-headedness; it is usually an honest, sound intuition of what lies ahead.” Dealing with the uncertainty of the moment, nonetheless, can be uncomfortable, but wouldn’t you agree so is the time spent managing the frustration and guilt caused by your mulligan thinking? The trade off is the difference between being a proactive parent prioritizing what matters most in the moment, your children, versus being a reactive parent and having to manage the feelings of frustration and guilt caused by inaction and your irresponsibility to take control over the moment.

Consider the parenting rewards of taking control over the moment. Instead of enabling children, every minute spent coaching them becomes an opportunity to expand the gateway to more efficient parenting. Two weeks and a few minutes a day, for example, dedicated to coaching your child on the simple task of zipping their jacket can begin saving you hours of your valuable time over a long cold winter. By coaching children in the moment, you can avoid hours spent thinking about how you will recreate that which could have taken you mere minutes in the moment to complete. Hence, your investment into the moment creates time you didn’t know existed and opportunities for clearer judgment.

As you start confronting versus avoiding the moment, you become privileged to recognizing revolving parenting issues and start spending the time, otherwise spent in frustration, coaching and seeing your child not only meet your expectations but exceeding them. In your clearer thinking, you will be amazed at how the momentum of the moment begins to swing in your favor. Time will seemingly stand still and wait for you to do what is necessary to accommodate the development of your child. Stress levels decrease and emotions become more natural as you learn how to overcome the unforeseen nuances, ripple effects and other pitfalls of parenting.

As you go forward and think about fixing your parenting, it can be hard to completely trace back in your mind the source of all your parenting issues. This can be a slippery slope that embraces mulligan thinking and does not allow you to get started blazing a new trail towards change. Commit to taking control over the moment. Make this moment your starting point and let its mental marker be the reminder of what matters most in your life, your family. As you blaze your trail, you will inevitably get hungry for mulligan thinking again. Remember to use it in moderation and each time you do, think of it as a day old donut. Like donuts, the freshest moment is the one that has the most goodness inside.


See you in class!.


Copyright © 2007 by Bradley J. Kayden. All Rights Reserved.

A Vocabulary Lesson for Parents

By age five children will have heard the word “No” 40,000 times. As a parent, communicating the difference between right and wrong to children is seldom easy and rarely happens in convenient moments. What is easy is cutting corners and simply saying “No.”

In the busy world of parenting responsibilities where parents are fighting schedules and time restraints, children are fighting parents for quality time. Children don’t know how to ask for a piece of a parent’s time, so they behave in the ways necessary to get recognized. If children do, more often, what is disagreeable to parents than, they will more frequently hear the word “No.” In their fight for attention, this can cause them to be immune to the effects of the word “No.” When it does have an effect, children can be confused by its meaning. For example, you know the difference between the disagreeing “no” of buying them candy and the panicked reaction of yelling “No” to the hazards of a hot stove. Does your child?

Avoiding overuse of the word “No,” will take a little bit of effort and recognition on your part. Consider the difference between the word “No” and the word “Stop” for example. Phonetically, if you say the word “No” three times in a row, you will see how it rolls off the tongue like the rounds from an automatic weapon. Its piercing affect can have a negative impact on children’s self-confidence. However, when you say the more specific directive “Stop” three times in a row, you might realize it takes slightly more energy to say. Hence, in parents’ efforts to preserve time and energy amidst growing responsibilities, it becomes understandable as to why “No” becomes the more preferable word of choice.

Obviously, you would prefer not using either word, “Stop” or “No,” with your children, but this is unrealistic. Like an energy efficient light bulb, your extra investment into saying the “Stop” directive over “No” will create significant amounts of your energy's reduced. First, children are less confusion by what you really mean. When you accept responsibility for what you say, you not your children, control how it influences their behavior. A forewarning, if your children are already pre-conditioned to being told “No,” they will not immediately get that you are trying to change your ways. Be patient. Any significant change worth doing right takes time.

Here is a fun way to get started. Children love "Red Light, "Green Light." This easy-to-learn game is adaptable to your everyday routines and appropriate for ages 2 and above. Use it to help children learn the value of the "Stop" directive. Based on the traffic light concept children perform any function like pushing a shopping cart, walking a dog or brushing their teeth. They stop when you say, "Red Light" and start when you say "Green Light." When repeated and treated like a game, children feel less suppressed and more motivated by the fun of your directives.

Games like "Red Light, Green Light" help build active listening and critical thinking skills that support the gateway to you seeing your children demonstrate good behaviors more consistently. In the end, your children become more the model of your expectations. This parenting tool is effective if you always remember to apply one of my golden rules of coaching: You have to play just for fun sometimes, not just when a "Red Light" is necessary.

See you in class!

Copyright © 2007-2010 by Bradley J. Kayden. All Rights Reserved.

5 Attention Grabbers Every Parent Should Know

1. Build Rapport First, Deliver Demands Second
   Before yelling, screaming and getting things off on the wrong foot, try listening first. Kids fight for your attention every day. I have found kids listen better after they feel heard, better yet loved. Build rapport by asking simple, open-ended question and then listen. A few minutes of extra time spent doing this each day will save you hours in frustration.
   


2. Loosen Up
   Everyone is a child in a child's mind. Remember, children have expectations of you, too. Yell, sing, dance, laugh, make faces, lay high fives; basically be a kid again. This will build respect for you in your child’s mind.
   


3. Speak their Language
   Replace times of frustration with time to think about how you will handle a difficult sitatuation differently next time. As a youth coach, I constantly self-evaluate and improve my ways; otherwise, I will get burned out. I believe parenting requires the same. Ironically, I often find that I cause my own problems. More times than not, my coaching difficulties stem from explaining things more from an adult's perspective than a child's. How you say things and what you say is very important when working with children.
   


4. Paint a Picture
   Your child’s mind is a canvas; regularly fill it with imaginative words that create pictures on which they can focus and enjoy. For example, I love using silly words like pickle juice and koo-koo bananas. A smile is usually enough to tell if you've captured their attention.
   


5. Build Anticipation
   Discuss the plan-of-the-day with your children. This is important because there are no surprises or false hopes built in a kid's mind. Kids are impressionable and focus on the fun in whatever it is they will be doing. One final point is always use fun as a negotiating point, not a means for manipulation. Fun is what gets their attention quickest. If they resent fun, you have lost the ability to gain their focus.
   

It should go unsaid, but as adults, if we expect good listening skills and focus from children we must be prepared to demonstrate these qualities ourselves.

See you in class!

Copyright © 2007 by Bradley J. Kayden. All Rights Reserved.